Taking a break

When your cup is full, you can pour out. When your cup is empty, you need to fill up.

I have enjoyed a great year. I have seen more positive changes in my life than many years previous. I have come to understand in just the last little while that rest is needed and over the course of the next while I will be removing myself from WordPress and my blog. I will kick back up in the new year sometime after January, most likely February 1st.

As for my artwork, I will also be taking a break. As of December 20th until the end of January I will not be taking on any more work. Please make note of this. I will be on vacation.

I want to thank everyone for their love, support and commitment to my writing, art and life, in general.

See you all in the new year and I hope for everyone a great holiday season.

With love, TKB.

iF Series

It’s often funny how on any given day we can be confronted with emotions that bring both exciting exhilaration and honest sadness to our lives. In fact, today I experienced one of the most amazing days in that full spectrum. I spoke earlier in the day at the iF Series held by the Calgary Chamber of Commerce at the University of Calgary’s MacEwan Hall. The audience was great. The presentations by myself and other wonderful minds were uplifting, encouraging, informative and inspiring. I was moved by the other speakers and encouraged as I spoke and shared by iF question. It amazed me how natural the process was and how true it was to who I am. I also received news tonight of a friend’s current hardships. Full spectrum, I guess.

I want to thank you, at the Chamber, for allowing me to speak and for the platform to share my story. And friend, I want to thank you for allowing me to listen and be there.

Thank you.

For you all who read this blog or pass by this post, please take a moment to check iF out and begin your own dialog of asking yourself, others and your community these questions…

Ocean

I’d be ignorant to say that life is not great. It truly is. Each one of us makes the choices we so often do without thinking and end up in the places we so often wonder about. It rattles my cage not that we question the very purpose of our lives in this now functionally comfortable society. Our North American dreams have come true and each day we watch others live lives in the pursuit of their dreams. Highlights of each star are showcased vividly in HD to demonstrate the passion of the human spirit and its will to succeed, as well as the benefits of discipline and hard work. No one gets to amazing without passing through alright, as Bill Wither’s would mention in the documentary, Wisdom.

So, as I sit and take account of all that is before me, I question my next steps. This is common in the stage of life I am in. Many of my friends are married and some even are restlessly pursuing other interests while remaining married. We are not kids any longer, though we live and act as such at times. The buttered appeal of being known has come and gone. The longing for experience still exists however, and it is there that all sorts of questions arise.

I’ve watched my friends come and go. Memories of distant times fade as years go on and yet a fond love exists for time spent with these beautiful creatures. My heart still searches for something, whether its love or belonging, much like most of our do. I find the mind escaping to a place that brings neither hope, nor despair. Actually, the mind senses both. Left with options to do or not do, so many of us sit waiting for that spark and as some would put it, the Universe to show us our next path. It’s a funny concept to apply to life, as I did not grow up with this Universe thing in mind. In actual fact, only in the last couple years has it become the speakable and safe thing to mention in conversation with others and lending a hand in advice. No one would claim faith any longer as we all but have been exhausted of religion and the concept of God. Sadly, the truth of God leaves few impressed as their seeking leads no further than hearsay. It’s like being told about the ocean and never seeing it. I first was in the ocean at age 24. I loved it. A year later, I saw in it quite a bit in southeast Asia and then two years after that, surfed it in Costa Rica. If I had only heard about the ocean, I would have been able to tell you all about it. However, I could not tell you about it buoyancy or salty taste, its temperature or currents. Not only that but as I’ve gone deeper, how could I could speak of its force, its power or its beauty all in the same without surfing it. You get my drift?

We live in a life that gives us much second hand experience. I believe without the tools we have today, we could not globally share so much of our lives, yet the situation remains as we are able to hear and read about things we will never experience. Driven by the pursuit of wealth, in order for our lifestyles and cost of living to remain, we seldom are able to experience first hand the thrills of things. We are consumed by an exterior life. We know very little of the interior life as the fanciful things that adorn us and dress us up like a golden calf distract our attention so often from the work that existed to make us who we are today. Our history not only shows this, but promotes it. The study of things first hand is what brought us encyclopedias, history books, architecture, medicine, art and so much more. We still get to experience all these things, yes, but I wonder how much we actually take in or pursue for our own good and quality of life.

It’s not even a question of we today, but I. I find myself thankful, grateful and appreciative of all that surrounds me. I also find myself wondering how so much came to be. I long for experience, newness and adventure. I want the ocean. I want to know the tides, the currents, the power of such a thing. The shoreline, so to speak, is dressed up so nicely and I guess I have wandered very little into the waters as of late, though they call out.

This is alright. This will be amazing. These are just my thoughts.

Learned.

I am again humbled today in my journey which has shown me so much this last year.

I am humbled by a specialist who diagnosed some issues I have been dealing with internally in body for some time. I am amazed at her ability to speak into what I have been going through, to educate me on this vessel I live in and to direct me into the healing that needs to occur. I find that the emotion can separate from the physical, and the physical from the spiritual. The balance we so desire is not remedied through a good meal and some alone time over the weekend. No, the remedy for living a holistic life is far beyond the good things we already know; the proper food intake, exercise, rest and so forth. Those things are good and yet I find that even with such great changes to this system, I am feeling short of completion. Not that one should reach a complete and whole stage of health amidst entropy, the natural occurrence of our bodies breaking down, but one might be able to better understand and therefore care for the gift of the vessel which we’ve been given while we have it.

So where am I going? Sabbatical. Yes, I will be listening well to this specialist, this body, this heart and this mind as it transfers from poor habit to healthy habit. I will be encountering a lot of different choices and will be taking upon myself not just the work of diet changes, lifestyle changes and behavior changes, but changes that will require me to relearn my thoughts on the vary nature of being in tune with one’s self. Really in tune.

I am humbled by life’s ever changing state and by the fact that we have often wasted so much of the harmony in our lives by the attraction of disharmonious functions. In other words, we choose poorly most often to devour a lifestyle, foods and habits that eventually leave our bodies mistrusting us. I am excited to see what happens as my body learns to adapt to these changes, to train and develop new ways of intake and output. The very fact that I am awake and open to fixing these issues which have long been around is refreshing and is available to anyone. I just do not like doing the mediocre work any longer. There is no gain in fast food, so to speak. There is no reward in the instant. There may be gratification or relief in the moment, but in the long run there lay much more of an after effect that I dare not want to encounter any more.

So, what’s my agenda for the next while? Rest. Big rest. Work. Big work. It is the work that will spark a full life and it’s road is not easy, but really, what have I done that’s been easy? I choose the hard to get the most growth and I know when to choose to rest, sort of. So friends and many strangers alike, here goes a new era and a new season and a renewed life…

Good night.

Miss the mark!

A post on a credit filled, cashless system was read by your truly this morning… It’s contents are here.

I then replied with this statement on my Twitter account: “The @the99percent just posted a note on paying with your name, no card, no cash. The Mark gets a little closer.” Funny right? It was after a conversation with my father that I then posted another Tweet reading: “The danger is not in thinking conspiracy theory, but in not thinking. Real eyes realize real lies. Free your mind.”

Get debt free!

You may think conspiracy exists and the problem with conspiracy or how it is now viewed, is that it makes a laughable idea out of a possible threat. With as much distraction as our common day to day life presents us, not to mention our ever hungry need for wealth and things, we are blinded to the habits that have formed. I am not against shopping nor purchasing goods as it makes our markets strong and our paychecks dwindle. I am, however, opposed to the spirit of this current world state which is so strong that is has not only blinded most but captured them in an ongoing anxiety to have, to have more and to not be satisfied.

Why am I opposed to debt? Well, there was once a man that said you cannot serve both God and mammon, which translated from the Greek, means greed, personified usually as a deity. Most of us would agree in our own minds that we are not greedy, only that we are getting what is ours. We are becoming, as the American ways puts it, successful. In all that my limited vision can see, I am not only seeing money and the desire for it surpass that of the desire for loving humankind, but I see money or greed being lifted to a height that far surpasses our natural thought to protect against its excess.

What is the excess I speak of? Truthfully, the desire to make money and a lot of money is driven by our desire to have, which in turn is spurred on by our jealousies, our lack of confidence, our unhappiness and our desire to be loved. Simply put, no running around the bush, we are always chasing something. The very core of our human nature desires love, more than any other thing. This truth is evident in the richest to the most poor of people. It is shocking how the most poor often exemplify the truth in love and of love. As we know though, the hunger for wealth and for satisfaction at any means grows as we feed it.

I cut out bread and pasta a little while ago. In doing this, I found myself craving a lot of tasty sandwiches, burgers, pastries and so on. It’s now been over a month of eating differently and I am finding that those urges go away. I am not a stubborn and uptight person when it comes to breads and such and still could manage to eat something from time to time but my desire is changing. Just as we feed our bodies well or poorly, so too we feed our minds and our souls. What dampers the person from choosing the better, more difficult road of true self discovery, self control and self love is the easy route that exists with all the fast food, fast pleasure, fast gain and so on. It is counter culture to save money. It is counter culture to eat right. It is counter culture to be satisfied in and of yourself.

To no surprise, I am finding the mind of an average individual dulled by the bright lights of the carnival of life. Each weekend I see the mindlessness of drones and drones of dissatisfied people flooding the clubs, bars and pubs to drink away their thoughts and feelings in the company of those who wish to do the same. Carried on as tradition or commonplace rituals, this seems to not bother a soul. The week then begins again where the patron is working a job for the money’s sake, in order to afford a look or a lifestyle that exists in the mind of the ego, only to escape once again into his or her own place of comfort. All the while, money and things are capturing the attention of the one who only desires to be loved, thought of higher than an object and cared for more than a material possession. It is sometimes only in realizing our death, like Steve Jobs just did, that we see what truly matters often after it is too late to take a part in it all (albeit, Steve lived a great life).

So how do you realize your day to day habits, break your greed hungry life and smooth out the image enough to make choices for the better? How do you get debt free? How do you feel loved and appreciated without the things, the fake body modifications, the clothing? How?

I believe it all starts inside and I also know now, that it is not easy. Honesty with self and with others is a good start. Opening your eyes up in clarity through forms of sobriety is a good start. Education is a good start. Saying no is a good start. I have not the answers for you as they all come in different packages, but as I look out to the world around and marvel in its technological breakthroughs, I also retreat a bit in the knowledge of its impending collapse. No human was designed to take as much information in as we have, in the amount of time we have. No device was meant to become god in our lives, to replace common and courteous conversation and the need for physical human interaction. No amount of things will amount to satisfaction, though its dis-ease will eat at your accounts, your health and your family life! No, we were not made to serve a god of money and things. Nor were we made to serve man. We were made to serve someone higher than ourselves and higher than are fallible, selfish hearts.

These are my thoughts. This is my life. I share this with you because in the end, I too, become dust and all my stuff rots, rusts, burns and becomes trash. My soul, does not.

What the hell are you doing today to make your soul come alive? Why the hell are you living in credit debt up to your eyes and trying to grasp some air? Why the hell do you work a job that does not make you happy or chase an image that is not who you are? Why would you DARE waste time being someone else when who you were made to be is exactly what we need you to be?

STOP wasting your time chasing, devouring, lying, stealing, cheating, intoxicating your life to the pursuit that knows the same end as one who lives their truest life!!!

We all die. Most everyone of us misses the mark on truly living.

Start really living.

Exactly.

Writing is a socially acceptable form of being naked in public.

- Paulo Coehlo

On things better left unsaid

So much has happened, so much transpired to make me who I am today. Most of all, so much formed from darkness that few will know…

The most brilliant diamonds are usually found in the hardest of places. The life I live, have lived and still desire to live does not come without a price. Take a look on the outside and judge the very person I am and you will find a grand mistake in your thinking and your assumptions. No one knows a man’s or woman’s heart other than the Almighty. Only in that view can I exist without blame. Only by His heart can I look pure and right. I know the majority of folks out there would rather leave no name to G_d, than describe Him as a definite. We want the Universe, our clear path of our Western desires fulfilled and our lives to be covered with bliss. We want happy, we have subscribed to happy and therefore will take no pain, little shame and protect our investments and our pride before we would ever sit in the valley of despair. Sadly, we will crawl and walk and then run toward anything that will keep us in this bliss while we all eventually head to death’s final calling. As Jay says, “I’m trying to beat life cause I can’t cheat death”. The lessons that rest in the deepest, darkest places of our minds and hearts few will go to. Sometimes it chooses us. Sometimes we choose it. I chose to go there and still now, I seek to find and uncover the mystery of me (cause I know the mystery of who G_d is, is far beyond my grasp).

I find no use in taking sin, or poor choices, and wallowing in them as that can only produce a negativity that can be toxic toward real life. No, I find that in all things I am humble enough to see that I am not humble, real enough to admit my gift is not for me, that my gifts are for others and sober enough to know that without any substance in me, I am still very much, a wretched man at times. Walking down the road I’ve chosen this year I can only say that I am more aware of asking that each blessing, each gift and each bit of abundance flow through me for the sake of affecting this world. I’ve fallen out of love with materialism best I know how. I have have fallen away from the empty filler of fake love. I have gone on to see the cycle of repetition that keeps us numb by each weekend endeavor, each glass tipped back and each Hollywood sniffed up to heights even the Twin Towers should be jealous of. Yeah, along all of life’s fabulous journeys and choices we never can get away from ourselves and it is myself who I seem to know the very least. I should be honest as it was myself whom I knew the very least and now, as I stand in the stark nakedness of my past choices, current awareness of my heart and life with clarity, I see myself more than I ever have.

Growing up with religion, with faith and with a strong, moral code, I am certain that I will succeed… wait a second, I do not like religion, I love faith and desire more of it and my morality is like dirt now. I love that saying, “you can’t get to Heaven on being good”, because who of us is really good? I find that the very fiber of my being will locate another person who might affirm me in my actions, give me the okay or smooth over my conscience so as not to rock my boat. My self will not readily admit its wrong, seek to change it and then repent toward it. Ladies and gentlemen, I use repent the way the military does here; to turn around and retreat, however most of us would think it means to feel or express sincere regret or remorse about one’s wrongdoing or sin. Whichever we choose, that is a good thing. Remorse is a grand thing! Sincerity toward our actions in remorse can bring about life. It can alter our state of affairs. It can bring people closer together. It is not something to fear. I believe we do not want to repent or feel remorse often because we do not want what is associated with it; the guilt, the bad-me-shame-on-me talk, the slumped down back and woe-is-me attitude. No, we would rather put it far away and there is nothing wrong with that, though it may creep up again and often does.

It dawned on me that in forgiveness you can leave it there, where it should be, paid for and forgiven. It is not yours to carry any longer, as my Christian upbringing taught me. Sadly, I have failed my entire life at believing this and trusting this. I have failed because I have no example of forgiveness in my life that does not come without a cost at some point. No, that man who died for me 2000 some years ago seems so far away that it’s almost absurd to figure out that I would be free of all I would do. Yeah, I would rather try to be a good person, live by a set of rules and be religious than to accept the truest love and forgiveness. I am still there, working this out, because it is absurd, it is undeserved and it is out of this world. It doesn’t make sense. It’s not possible. Yet I know in the core of my cells there is truth to this. No one else could fix my shit up the way He could. No one can guarantee me a new life. No one said they love me enough to lay their life down for me and yet I am looking for that love each and every day in some one, or some thing. It’s been there all along.

I sound like I’m preaching, but I ain’t. We all have our pasts and our history. Each of us has an upbringing, a belief system and a life within that few know of. Each one of us questions the day to day and has a list of priorities that set up our time with this world and with others. Each one of us gets to live, and then each of us gets to die. So, I am working it out. I have little regrets. I have lived a life that I am proud of and though I am not proud of things I have sometimes done, I am grateful for the road they have lead me on. Shit, I am glad to be here today, making the most of what I have and still fuckin’ up from time to time. I walked to my friend’s birthday dinner tonight and saw her smiling face, thankful she was in my life and thankful for the moment we and a few others would have. During the walk to the restaurant and back I could not help but think to myself of all the good choices I have made and all the changes that exist today, I am still a disgraced man at times. I am okay with that. We may try our whole lives to be someone we are not, and we may try to be that other person so strongly that we actually fool others and ourselves, but I believe we each come to terms with the reality at some point, that we are who we are. My decision was to come to that point sooner than later.

I choose to believe I am loved, though I do not understand it. I choose to believe I have purpose, though I long to know what that is. I choose to believe that above any of my own feelings, there is One greater than I who has me right where He needs me. I know little about my life’s final statement. I know little about my current purpose but I do know that I am willing to seek, to knock and to ask. In seeking I will find. In knocking, the door will be opened. In asking, I shall receive.

Be.